tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8076911658523516018.post5520840412922138328..comments2023-08-21T08:26:24.455-07:00Comments on The write idea: deleting bit by bitpenandpaintshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17273388732451042663noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8076911658523516018.post-70098270101293648542011-07-13T14:14:10.614-07:002011-07-13T14:14:10.614-07:00Because it's David's viewpoint, I think th...Because it's David's viewpoint, I think the second is better revision is better and on the right track.<br /><br />My suggestions, for whatever they're worth: "When his mum nodded" (he can't really know if it's a thoughtful nod), "he hoped the incident was forgotten" (this is less wordy and says the same thing). To his relief she said, "Ooh, have you seen the girl nextdoor?" I'd cut bemused. I've never thought someone looked bemused, whatever that means. Best to just write what they did and what they said. Less is best. See Hemingway and Stephen King, and translate that lean style to YA and middle grade books. You're definitely on the right track with your changes. I hope my suggestions helped. I think editing is fun.<br /><a href="http://anncarbinebest.com/" rel="nofollow"><i>Ann Best, Memoir Author</i></a>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8076911658523516018.post-49528057507890335872011-07-13T11:57:52.207-07:002011-07-13T11:57:52.207-07:00Hehe, thanks everyone, how did I miss the two Davi...Hehe, thanks everyone, how did I miss the two Davids???? <br />Rosemary, that's a good idea. Thanks!penandpaintshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17273388732451042663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8076911658523516018.post-55784882742986709112011-07-13T05:53:35.817-07:002011-07-13T05:53:35.817-07:00Hm - good luck with that editing. If I start to gi...Hm - good luck with that editing. If I start to give an opinion you'll wish you'd never asked as I tend to over-analyse everything! If you go with the first para, maybe you could put "looked at her son" to avoid repetition of David.<br /><br />Thanks for that link!Rosemary Gemmellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09311840205603508422noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8076911658523516018.post-44794592977764287452011-07-11T06:11:07.407-07:002011-07-11T06:11:07.407-07:00Good luck with the editing. It's sometimes har...Good luck with the editing. It's sometimes hard to know how ruthless to be isn't it?HelenMWaltershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16182100572365505905noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8076911658523516018.post-1033859011892878712011-07-11T00:56:35.811-07:002011-07-11T00:56:35.811-07:00I agree with Old Kitty, first one is better! Good ...I agree with Old Kitty, first one is better! Good luck with the editing :-)Teresa Ashbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15350697922935549188noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8076911658523516018.post-37021763352157088632011-07-10T13:19:33.738-07:002011-07-10T13:19:33.738-07:00Hehe, that's fine, Old Kitty! Thank you for yo...Hehe, that's fine, Old Kitty! Thank you for your thoughts, much appreciated. I'm finding that I doubt myself a lot with all this, I'm never sure if I'm improving or making things worse!! xpenandpaintshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17273388732451042663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8076911658523516018.post-8299190697863056292011-07-10T13:11:36.632-07:002011-07-10T13:11:36.632-07:00I liked the first paragraph! Sorry!! I just got mo...I liked the first paragraph! Sorry!! I just got more of a sense of the mum and her bemusement!! But I know nothing so please don't listen to me! LOL!<br /><br />I'd say use "David" and "looked" only once though (in the first para) maybe?<br /><br />Yay for your editing!! GOOD LUCK Pen and Paints and thanks for the linky to the fabulous Ms Morgan!! Take care<br />xOld Kittyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13185547869183611159noreply@blogger.com